This week has been a disaster - think I have had a total of 2 days on plan. The rest, well lets not go there in too much detail. Some nights I've been too exhausted to do anything other than crawl into bed, some days I've had to try and work on my essay and 2/3 days this week I forgot all my packs in the morning and my SS+ lunch. I couldn't/wouldn't spend all day on a ward and not eat anything, so off to the canteen. Its all bread based.
End up I think I've put on 4-5lbs, I'm not sure as I avoided the scales this morning and asked my CDC not to tell me my weight as I didn't want to know this week, and she can tell me my new weight when I next see her in a fortnight.
So NO weight updates for a while, might look at updating weight next week.
Moved up to 810 plan today too, thats proven a lifesaver today.
Menu: 400g tofu and yellow courgettes, 2 choc tetras, skimmed milk and a peanut bar
Drinks: 2 cups coffee, 3 L water.
Exercise: toddling about town with a really heavy backpack on for a hour or two (was full of 20 tetras plus juice).
Weight: Who knows?
Sorry I've not been about much. Placement has been manic. I've been manic. The whole worlds been manic.
Saturday, 27 June 2009
Sunday, 21 June 2009
Sunday. BBQ Day
Well scales show a 1lb gain this morning, which to be honest I'm okay with as yesterdays all time low was 11st 4, suspiciously low. So not too gutted scales are 1lb up, its probably water and will disappear for official weigh in on Saturday.
Also this is my 12th week on SS/SS+ and as of next Sat I will be moving up to the 810 plan. So there we go then.
Todays BBQ went a bit awry, had 2 tuna steaks prepared and some salad for my SS+ friendly meal. Went a bit off plan and ended up eating 4 skinny skinless sausages, and a wee bit if husbands pork. We also had to use my water for the dog and BBQ extinguishing so drink was 500ml of Pepsi Max. Oh and 3 cherries.
Its not massively off plan, but bet its enough to skew the scales. At least if I have a wee upwards tilt I know why though.
However I am on placement for 5 weeks. 5 weeks of heavy duty walking and patient care. Have decided in order to deal with demands of day will split SS+ days as follows.
B: Vanilla latte shake ( I made this into a mousse yesterday and OMG I nearly died*)
L: SS+ meal of whatever and veggies, Choc tetra
D: Last shake/soup
I know this throws off my usual pattern of shake spacing, but I have a feeling I will need the extra fuel during the day when on placement.
*I nearly died from pleasure and divorce was pending. I'm sitting there eating this mousse that was like Tiramisu going "Oh. My. God. Mmmmm. Ooooh." Pausing only to breathe, lick the spoon and eat more. Husband not impressed. Not made those kind of noises for a good while. . .
Also this is my 12th week on SS/SS+ and as of next Sat I will be moving up to the 810 plan. So there we go then.
Todays BBQ went a bit awry, had 2 tuna steaks prepared and some salad for my SS+ friendly meal. Went a bit off plan and ended up eating 4 skinny skinless sausages, and a wee bit if husbands pork. We also had to use my water for the dog and BBQ extinguishing so drink was 500ml of Pepsi Max. Oh and 3 cherries.
Its not massively off plan, but bet its enough to skew the scales. At least if I have a wee upwards tilt I know why though.
However I am on placement for 5 weeks. 5 weeks of heavy duty walking and patient care. Have decided in order to deal with demands of day will split SS+ days as follows.
B: Vanilla latte shake ( I made this into a mousse yesterday and OMG I nearly died*)
L: SS+ meal of whatever and veggies, Choc tetra
D: Last shake/soup
I know this throws off my usual pattern of shake spacing, but I have a feeling I will need the extra fuel during the day when on placement.
*I nearly died from pleasure and divorce was pending. I'm sitting there eating this mousse that was like Tiramisu going "Oh. My. God. Mmmmm. Ooooh." Pausing only to breathe, lick the spoon and eat more. Husband not impressed. Not made those kind of noises for a good while. . .
Thursday, 18 June 2009
BMI 25 HERE I COME!
BMI this morning? 25.8!
Hell yeah!
Thats because the scales are sitting at 160lbs, or in old money, 11st 6lbs exactly. I've dropped 2lbs since yesterday!
Oh man SS+ is the way forward.
Je suis tres excite! I'm not even sure thats real French. I don't care.
Menu: Choc Mint shake, Tetra, Tomato Soup, Cottage cheese and mushroom (Asda cheese)
Drinks: Aiming for a round 3- 3.5L today
Weight: 160lbs, 11st 6 (yay!)
Mood: Good because yesterday I passed my driving test!
Hell yeah!
Thats because the scales are sitting at 160lbs, or in old money, 11st 6lbs exactly. I've dropped 2lbs since yesterday!
Oh man SS+ is the way forward.
Je suis tres excite! I'm not even sure thats real French. I don't care.
Menu: Choc Mint shake, Tetra, Tomato Soup, Cottage cheese and mushroom (Asda cheese)
Drinks: Aiming for a round 3- 3.5L today
Weight: 160lbs, 11st 6 (yay!)
Mood: Good because yesterday I passed my driving test!
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Wednesday
Well scale results.
Woke up about 6am - 11st 8lbs exactly
Went back to bed.
Woke up at 10:30 - 11st 6.8 lbs
Obviously lie ins rock anyway - but will stick to the 11st 8lbs one, I feel validated. I was happy with 11st 8 anyway, if the scales show something better tomorrow then thats also fabulous.
Happy days
Todays meal is cottage cheese. From Sainsburys :( Avoid it. Its not curdy at all, its like thick lumpy yoghurt. The Asda one at least has good solid lumps of cheese curd - this though is just like yoghurt thats went off (yes I know thats all cheese is anyway but still)
Not relishing the thought of that later on, let me tell you.
Update: Its boggin'. Its like thrush in a tub. I'm sticking to Asda. It might be considered the cheap version but at least it tastes nice.
Woke up about 6am - 11st 8lbs exactly
Went back to bed.
Woke up at 10:30 - 11st 6.8 lbs
Obviously lie ins rock anyway - but will stick to the 11st 8lbs one, I feel validated. I was happy with 11st 8 anyway, if the scales show something better tomorrow then thats also fabulous.
Happy days
Todays meal is cottage cheese. From Sainsburys :( Avoid it. Its not curdy at all, its like thick lumpy yoghurt. The Asda one at least has good solid lumps of cheese curd - this though is just like yoghurt thats went off (yes I know thats all cheese is anyway but still)
Not relishing the thought of that later on, let me tell you.
Update: Its boggin'. Its like thrush in a tub. I'm sticking to Asda. It might be considered the cheap version but at least it tastes nice.
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Lost it - Found it?
Think am properly back on track - thats 2 whole 100% days :D
Doesn't sound like much but when I've been struggling so much its amazing. Feeling very focused. Long may it continue.
Hoping for a wee scale move tomorrow as reinforcement. Or the other thing that I have tomorrow going well. Its a secret until I know otherwise.
Manky mouth taste today which is reassuring ketosis wise.
Hoping by Saturday I could be 11st 6 something. That would be nice!
Only 9lbs to go to a healthy BMI - Thats going to be my new mantra. Aprt from the 9lbs bit which I hope changes significantly obviously.
Doesn't sound like much but when I've been struggling so much its amazing. Feeling very focused. Long may it continue.
Hoping for a wee scale move tomorrow as reinforcement. Or the other thing that I have tomorrow going well. Its a secret until I know otherwise.
Manky mouth taste today which is reassuring ketosis wise.
Hoping by Saturday I could be 11st 6 something. That would be nice!
Only 9lbs to go to a healthy BMI - Thats going to be my new mantra. Aprt from the 9lbs bit which I hope changes significantly obviously.
Monday, 15 June 2009
Had it, Lost it♠
Really struggled the past few days. The diet itself isn't the problem, its my head. I have lost my motivation. Turns out that working on building my confidence and getting rid of my fat head is a double edged sword. It would appear I needed that to drive me on.
I have stalled on my diet progress. The weights stalled because my head has stalled. I don't feel the same need to keep running from teh 15st 6 person I used to be, because now I don't see that when I look in the mirror. I see someone who need to perhaps lose a few pounds but not someone I would call obese. I'm starting to like myself and as a result that focus to really effect change has gone.
And I can't seem to get it back.
I don't want to stop here, but I'm creating humps for myself. I'm creating problems where there aren't any. I'm picking and bingeing and promising new starts the next day, and not happening. Why?
Am thinking of setting very small weight targets, say 4lbs at a time. Thats the only way I'm going to be able to do this.
I'm dreading placement, dreading it, because I can't make my Quorn lunches as a stir fry. I don't want a cottage cheese everyday for 5 weeks placement, and I know I'll get grief over a shake for lunch. Problem is when I was heavier that was okay because I could justify it by saying "look at me" I have so much to lose. Now though, I can't use that because I don't really beleive it myself and know I'll allow myself to talk myself off the plan.
I want my motivation back.
I'm also pissed off at my body too, so think I'm eating out of anger. Like self harming with food.
I look at the boards and I see people who are either the same height as me, and weigh more but in a smaller size and I think "how?!?", I see people who weigh slightly less than me but are half a foot shorter and 2 dress sizes smaller. And I just sit and think whats the point? I mean I can diet until the cows come home, but I'm never going to be a size 12/10 (and I'm most certainly not if I keep arsing about like this) but I just don't get it. I've even tried looking at it in terms of BMI as that should be an evener, but no. I'm still way out of where other people say they are.
I'm sorry if this makes me sound like a bitch, but I just can't see where I'm going wrong.
Maybe I just can't do this anymore. Maybe I should just give up. I don't want to give up, but the not wanting to continue either seems to be winning a bit more.
Despondent here man, fuckin' depondent.
I have stalled on my diet progress. The weights stalled because my head has stalled. I don't feel the same need to keep running from teh 15st 6 person I used to be, because now I don't see that when I look in the mirror. I see someone who need to perhaps lose a few pounds but not someone I would call obese. I'm starting to like myself and as a result that focus to really effect change has gone.
And I can't seem to get it back.
I don't want to stop here, but I'm creating humps for myself. I'm creating problems where there aren't any. I'm picking and bingeing and promising new starts the next day, and not happening. Why?
Am thinking of setting very small weight targets, say 4lbs at a time. Thats the only way I'm going to be able to do this.
I'm dreading placement, dreading it, because I can't make my Quorn lunches as a stir fry. I don't want a cottage cheese everyday for 5 weeks placement, and I know I'll get grief over a shake for lunch. Problem is when I was heavier that was okay because I could justify it by saying "look at me" I have so much to lose. Now though, I can't use that because I don't really beleive it myself and know I'll allow myself to talk myself off the plan.
I want my motivation back.
I'm also pissed off at my body too, so think I'm eating out of anger. Like self harming with food.
I look at the boards and I see people who are either the same height as me, and weigh more but in a smaller size and I think "how?!?", I see people who weigh slightly less than me but are half a foot shorter and 2 dress sizes smaller. And I just sit and think whats the point? I mean I can diet until the cows come home, but I'm never going to be a size 12/10 (and I'm most certainly not if I keep arsing about like this) but I just don't get it. I've even tried looking at it in terms of BMI as that should be an evener, but no. I'm still way out of where other people say they are.
I'm sorry if this makes me sound like a bitch, but I just can't see where I'm going wrong.
Maybe I just can't do this anymore. Maybe I should just give up. I don't want to give up, but the not wanting to continue either seems to be winning a bit more.
Despondent here man, fuckin' depondent.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Today, mixed day
Woke up at 4 am taking a hypo - sure sign TOTM is due. Ate chocolate. Don't care, it was either that or honey.
Woke up at 6 with stomach cramp and urge to go to loo. Again sure sign, hormonal signals being sent to all smooth muscle cells, TOTM must be due.
Woke up at 9am with TOTM EVERYWHERE!
Which is good as, at least its arrived. Off into town for a viewing at the cinema, and watched Red Cliff, highly recommended. Very good.
Weight 11st 9lbs, not expecting miracles this week although miracle of 4lbs would be lovely please to take me to 11st 5.
Menu: Vanilla Latte shake, Quorn and Celery stirfry (also flies as forgot to wash celery, yay for protein), Choc Tetra and a porridge
Drinks: Black Coffee and 3 litres of water (so far)
Mood: Alright, bit crampy and heavy feeling but generally okay
Have to say though, very much enjoying SS+, really looking forward to 810 now in 9lbs time.
In 9lbs time I will be in a healthy weight and have a BMI of 25! Very excited!
Woke up at 6 with stomach cramp and urge to go to loo. Again sure sign, hormonal signals being sent to all smooth muscle cells, TOTM must be due.
Woke up at 9am with TOTM EVERYWHERE!
Which is good as, at least its arrived. Off into town for a viewing at the cinema, and watched Red Cliff, highly recommended. Very good.
Weight 11st 9lbs, not expecting miracles this week although miracle of 4lbs would be lovely please to take me to 11st 5.
Menu: Vanilla Latte shake, Quorn and Celery stirfry (also flies as forgot to wash celery, yay for protein), Choc Tetra and a porridge
Drinks: Black Coffee and 3 litres of water (so far)
Mood: Alright, bit crampy and heavy feeling but generally okay
Have to say though, very much enjoying SS+, really looking forward to 810 now in 9lbs time.
In 9lbs time I will be in a healthy weight and have a BMI of 25! Very excited!
Friday, 12 June 2009
Day... Oh day something
Lost track of where I am diet wise.
Anyway no matter as .....Weight this morning 11st 9lbs, which is good. Sole Source plus obviously working out fine.
Todays menu was:
Choc mint shake, Quorn and Broccoli Curry, 2 coffees with Choc tetra, Leek Potato soup
Drinks: About 3L of water again today.
Exercise: None
There really is nothing much more to report, a very boring day here to be honest.
Anyway no matter as .....Weight this morning 11st 9lbs, which is good. Sole Source plus obviously working out fine.
Todays menu was:
Choc mint shake, Quorn and Broccoli Curry, 2 coffees with Choc tetra, Leek Potato soup
Drinks: About 3L of water again today.
Exercise: None
There really is nothing much more to report, a very boring day here to be honest.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Ewwww
11st 11lbs still. Feel like have been this weight for weeks, which in fairness I have.
Yesterday went well, although i did eat todays chicken allowance yesterday. Not great.
I am horrendously bloated today. Think have put on a whole dress size in space of the day.
Ugh. Feel like waddling through to bed for a nap. Also V tired.
Periods no doubt rearing thier ugly heads as also all spotty, had better come this time.
Yesterday went well, although i did eat todays chicken allowance yesterday. Not great.
I am horrendously bloated today. Think have put on a whole dress size in space of the day.
Ugh. Feel like waddling through to bed for a nap. Also V tired.
Periods no doubt rearing thier ugly heads as also all spotty, had better come this time.
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Struggling
Yesterday was going fine up until Midnight. And then I cracked. Why didn't I just stay in bed?
Ended up eating 2 packets of crisps
2 slices malt loaf
Coffee with milk
and 2 slices of toast with peppered ham.
I'm struggling to get my weight past 11st 11. I look as if I'm getting past it, then I stop and go off rails.
Do I want to get to goal. I'm aiming for 10st 7. Its not unreasonable. I don't know whats wrong with me at the moment. Binge, guilt, back on track, binge guilt back on track until its all seamlessly blending into one.
Ended up eating 2 packets of crisps
2 slices malt loaf
Coffee with milk
and 2 slices of toast with peppered ham.
I'm struggling to get my weight past 11st 11. I look as if I'm getting past it, then I stop and go off rails.
Do I want to get to goal. I'm aiming for 10st 7. Its not unreasonable. I don't know whats wrong with me at the moment. Binge, guilt, back on track, binge guilt back on track until its all seamlessly blending into one.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Day 2 of SS+
Well day 1 (yesterday) went okay without a hitch, apart from me eating one extra lettuce leaf and quite frankly I'm letting that one slide.
Weight this morning was 11st 11, so dropping nicely so far.
Menu: Porridge, tetra and choc mint shake. 200G Quorn and stir fried lettuce, with chilli powder
Water: So far 2.5 L down and a cup of coffee but need to try and push another litre in
Mood: Hungry. Hate this restarting. Keeping busy.
And thats really all for today
Weight this morning was 11st 11, so dropping nicely so far.
Menu: Porridge, tetra and choc mint shake. 200G Quorn and stir fried lettuce, with chilli powder
Water: So far 2.5 L down and a cup of coffee but need to try and push another litre in
Mood: Hungry. Hate this restarting. Keeping busy.
And thats really all for today
Monday, 8 June 2009
Well I'm back on track
After last weeks binge had really struggled to get back in the game. End result weigh in means 1.5lbs on.
Totally deserved. However, I am totally back on track now, If I can get below 11st 10 this week I will be very pleased.
CDC is away on holiday for 2 weeks so won't see her for a fortnight, so I'm on my own (other than the fab support at Minimins) and we'll see how it goes
Have moved up to SS+ as I really wasn't coping on SS. I think I got to the stage I needed some food. And I'm reasoning may as well be food on plan compared to food off plan, leading to stalls, feeling rubbish and coming off.
I don't have that far to go. I'm going to get there. I almost have a BMI of in the 25's. I am not giving in.
So
Menu: 2 shakes, 1 porridge, and 225g Cottage cheese, portabello mushroom.
Drinks: Aiming for at least 3L of still water today
Mood: Very very focused, after last weeks self examination and time off plan
Weight: 11st 12.5 (to be expected)
Totally deserved. However, I am totally back on track now, If I can get below 11st 10 this week I will be very pleased.
CDC is away on holiday for 2 weeks so won't see her for a fortnight, so I'm on my own (other than the fab support at Minimins) and we'll see how it goes
Have moved up to SS+ as I really wasn't coping on SS. I think I got to the stage I needed some food. And I'm reasoning may as well be food on plan compared to food off plan, leading to stalls, feeling rubbish and coming off.
I don't have that far to go. I'm going to get there. I almost have a BMI of in the 25's. I am not giving in.
So
Menu: 2 shakes, 1 porridge, and 225g Cottage cheese, portabello mushroom.
Drinks: Aiming for at least 3L of still water today
Mood: Very very focused, after last weeks self examination and time off plan
Weight: 11st 12.5 (to be expected)
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
The binge list
2 Kit Kat Senses
A Lion Bar
3 ryvita with ginger jam
pasta and meatballs
2 bits fruit loaf and butter
2 bits bread
1 packet crisps
2 coffee with whole milk
Ritz and Philidelphia snack pack
150g chicken breast
a bit of coconut macaroon
I disgust myself. I really do, I'm actually so lost today I worry about finding myself tomorrow.
A Lion Bar
3 ryvita with ginger jam
pasta and meatballs
2 bits fruit loaf and butter
2 bits bread
1 packet crisps
2 coffee with whole milk
Ritz and Philidelphia snack pack
150g chicken breast
a bit of coconut macaroon
I disgust myself. I really do, I'm actually so lost today I worry about finding myself tomorrow.
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Driving Test 1 - Me 0
I failed my driving test. I think that I was justified though.
Apparently I clipped my wing mirror on a sign - didn't hear it, feel it or anything, but fair enough, its a my word against theirs scenario. So meh. This was 2 majors here.
Second fault - Coming down a road. 3 cars in front of me (not indicated by the way) pull out into oncoming lane and over take another leaner driver stopped in middle of the road, so I slow down, learner not moving. I stopped and then checked no more oncoming traffic, pulled out into oncoming lane and continued on my merry way. Apparently the stopping was the fault (viewed as a failure to plan ahead) - the 3 cars that went before me should have been a step for a hint. Fair enough but I explained that whilst they may have felt it was safe to do so, I wasn't sure it was so liked to check first. I think it was the stopping first though. Either way can't argue with them can I?
Fuckin' Nazis man.
Retest is booked.
Apparently I clipped my wing mirror on a sign - didn't hear it, feel it or anything, but fair enough, its a my word against theirs scenario. So meh. This was 2 majors here.
Second fault - Coming down a road. 3 cars in front of me (not indicated by the way) pull out into oncoming lane and over take another leaner driver stopped in middle of the road, so I slow down, learner not moving. I stopped and then checked no more oncoming traffic, pulled out into oncoming lane and continued on my merry way. Apparently the stopping was the fault (viewed as a failure to plan ahead) - the 3 cars that went before me should have been a step for a hint. Fair enough but I explained that whilst they may have felt it was safe to do so, I wasn't sure it was so liked to check first. I think it was the stopping first though. Either way can't argue with them can I?
Fuckin' Nazis man.
Retest is booked.
Happy June! - Day 60
Morning. Not much to report. Might edit this later when I do have something to report.
Weight this morning, 11st 9.1lbs.
Damn you pesky 0.2 of a lb. I could have been 11st 8 (something).
Tommorow its going though. Oh yes.
Weight this morning, 11st 9.1lbs.
Damn you pesky 0.2 of a lb. I could have been 11st 8 (something).
Tommorow its going though. Oh yes.
Sunday, 31 May 2009
Day 58
Today and yesterday going very well. 100% all the way.
Only downer is I seem to have got sunburnt again. In Glasgow. Whats that all about?
Nothing really to report, hanging there. Very hungry today, but this too shall pass.
Only downer is I seem to have got sunburnt again. In Glasgow. Whats that all about?
Nothing really to report, hanging there. Very hungry today, but this too shall pass.
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Day 57 - I'm back in
Righty. "Crappy" 0.75lbs loss this week. Discussed with counsellor what was going on. Discussed moving up plans and what this might entail. After much discussion we agreed that I should try one more week on SS and see how I get on at the end of the week.
If I lose weight at end of the week, then I have to stay on SS until I reach weight of 11stone 3lbs.
If I don't lose weight then I will move up a plan a bit earlier.
Either way the end is in sight.
Oh and I'm also resolving to stay off the scales this week. This may be harder than I anticipate.
If I lose weight at end of the week, then I have to stay on SS until I reach weight of 11stone 3lbs.
If I don't lose weight then I will move up a plan a bit earlier.
Either way the end is in sight.
Oh and I'm also resolving to stay off the scales this week. This may be harder than I anticipate.
Friday, 29 May 2009
I give up - day 56
still 11 st 10, I think we can count this week as a stall.
Have decided to move up plans. The way I see it I have 10lbs to go to BMI 25, and theres not as much of a rush as there was initially.
Looking like SS+ or 810 for me then. Will discuss with counsellor on Sat and see what she suggests.
Have decided to move up plans. The way I see it I have 10lbs to go to BMI 25, and theres not as much of a rush as there was initially.
Looking like SS+ or 810 for me then. Will discuss with counsellor on Sat and see what she suggests.
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Finally
11st 10lbs.
Think this week has been an inch loss week.
Possibly might have to move up plans earlier. I don't know yet. We'll see.
Hopefully can shift another 2.5lbs by Saturday to keep on track for planned weight loss this week but I doubt it, I mean I cant make by body go any faster, so just have to wait and see. I am not a machine and weight loss is not linear. Wanted this week to be 11st 8lbs, but I don't hink thats achievable. Ah well, will come in time I suppose.
Think I might have to avoid the forums for a bit too, getting a bit too much at times. Can't really verbalise it but there you go.
Think this week has been an inch loss week.
Possibly might have to move up plans earlier. I don't know yet. We'll see.
Hopefully can shift another 2.5lbs by Saturday to keep on track for planned weight loss this week but I doubt it, I mean I cant make by body go any faster, so just have to wait and see. I am not a machine and weight loss is not linear. Wanted this week to be 11st 8lbs, but I don't hink thats achievable. Ah well, will come in time I suppose.
Think I might have to avoid the forums for a bit too, getting a bit too much at times. Can't really verbalise it but there you go.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Jeezo!
11st 11lbs exactly this morning.
Thats a massive 1.5lbs drop since yesterday. Roll on Saturday weigh in! :D
only have 18lbs left to shed.
Thats a massive 1.5lbs drop since yesterday. Roll on Saturday weigh in! :D
only have 18lbs left to shed.
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Whoo ! Lie ins rock!
Thats me
11 stone
12.5lbs.
Yee ha!
That is all, away for exam prep at uni. Speak to everyone later
11 stone
12.5lbs.
Yee ha!
That is all, away for exam prep at uni. Speak to everyone later
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Its nice!
Thats it guys
11st 13.7lbs
Alright I've dropped 0.5lbs since yesterday but thats cool.
In in the 11's. Go me etc.
11st 13.7lbs
Alright I've dropped 0.5lbs since yesterday but thats cool.
In in the 11's. Go me etc.
Monday, 18 May 2009
Day 45
Still 12stone, but was 12st 0.2lbs instead of 12st 0.75lbs on Saturday and do you know what thats fine.
I only have 4 weeks left on SS, so what comes off comes off regardless. I am totally chilled about my weight. Its fine dude, its all fine.
Saying that, I hope I am in the 11's tomorrow. That would be nice, not essential but nice. Not expecting my whoosh til near the end of the week.
Next week I'm going to try the no weigh challenge for a week. Should be ... interesting to see if I can do it.
On a side note, periods still not flippin' here, beginning to get annoyed now. And most definitely not pregnant. Don't think I'll bother going to docs this month, will go on 15th June if nothing arrives
I only have 4 weeks left on SS, so what comes off comes off regardless. I am totally chilled about my weight. Its fine dude, its all fine.
Saying that, I hope I am in the 11's tomorrow. That would be nice, not essential but nice. Not expecting my whoosh til near the end of the week.
Next week I'm going to try the no weigh challenge for a week. Should be ... interesting to see if I can do it.
On a side note, periods still not flippin' here, beginning to get annoyed now. And most definitely not pregnant. Don't think I'll bother going to docs this month, will go on 15th June if nothing arrives
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Day 43
Well its the start of week 7. Day 42 was the end of week 6. Stupid brain.
Weigh in went well today. 12st (and a wee bit of a pound0 but I'm not counting.
12 STONE PEOPLE!
11's next week then. Easily.
I also purchased some "Fibre 89" which you add to shakes to make them a bit more well, fibrous really. I wonder if the extra 5g of a fibre a day will make a huge difference if at all? We'll see I suppose.
Anyway, not much to report now.
Weigh in went well today. 12st (and a wee bit of a pound0 but I'm not counting.
12 STONE PEOPLE!
11's next week then. Easily.
I also purchased some "Fibre 89" which you add to shakes to make them a bit more well, fibrous really. I wonder if the extra 5g of a fibre a day will make a huge difference if at all? We'll see I suppose.
Anyway, not much to report now.
Friday, 15 May 2009
Moan
During placement today I had an epiphany moment, I think I've realised in part why I sabotage myself. Its a confidence thing, in many respects.
Outwardly I project myself as confident, I have heard myself described as "a laugh" "funny" "life and soul" "straight talking" and various other things which make me sound confident, and a very kind of "My own person" kinda personality. However I only feel like this around certain people, most of the time I am extremely uncertain of myself and lacking in confidence. I feel like I'm useless, fat, lazy, clumsy, ugly and that people only spend time with me because they feel sorry for me. I mean who would want to be my real friend? When I contribute to conversations I immediately feel I've said something stupid, I replay it in my head to see how I could have worded it differently, who could have taken offence, was my tone okay, how did people react etc. In short, I'm very insecure and easily rattled. In part, this is due to growing up where my mum constantly pushed us to do better because she wanted better for us "Thats good you got 90%, and I'm proud of you but if you tried a wee bit harder you could get 95%" whereas Dad was more of a "See, you only got 90% because you're too stupid to get 100. And you're ugly. And horrible" (Do you know he used to set me riddles, and hit me if I got them right? Because I was too stupid to get the answer legitimately, and if I got them wrong to avoid a slap, then he told me that was all he expected, stupid me. So in the end up I would rather take a beating and appear knowledgeable that admit defeat)
How does this relate to weight loss?
I think I'm scared of being thin. I could cry right now. I think part of me uses my bulk as a defense, because people feel sorry for "fat" me, so therefor laugh at my unfunny jokes, stories and conversations. Maybe when I'm thin they'll just tell me to fuck off? Find some other friends?
I also use my bulk as a point of defiance I think. I might be fat, but I can work just as hard as a thin person, in fact doubly so. Fat people aren't lazy. I'm not lazy. So there. When I'm thin I'll just be the same. I won't have that push to compete against people.
Today I was told that my approach to certain people was "not confrontational, but.... direct". Now I don't get this. I readily admit that I can be confrontational when you push me, but, I make an extreme effort on placement to be non confrontational, to the extent on last placement I was told I was overly apologetic to the point of annoyance. So I don't get it. Result, now I'm doubting myself even more, and reworking almost every conversation I've had over the past 5 weeks.
Maybe my "directness" is now seen as that because I'm thinner? Maybe if I was still really fat they would feel that wee bit sorry for me and cut me some slack?
That aside, I'm actually quite nervous about getting to goal. I was looking forward to getting rid of all this weight and maintaining a healthy body. What now though, of people think I'm ugly? I won't have that "You'd be a nice looking lassie if you lost some weight or " "aye... but you've got a nice face" to provide a barrier now.
What if I don't like what I see? What if before I just didn't like what I saw because I was fat, but now I won't like what I see because I really am, as I was told growing up, so ugly no-one will ever love me? I am that total waste of space. I am not only ugly, I am a horrible person too.
Also the perfectionism from the whole "acheiving all you can" thing. If I fail outright then fine, I've not just acheived 90% or stuck at a size 14 because I'm not sure I can get to 10 stone and a size 10? Do you know what I mean?
This sounds much more self pitying that I ever intended, and for that I'm sorry. I'm just so confused and upset at the moment, I don't know what else to do. I don't even want to tell anyone in person in case they think I'm a moan and like me even less.
Outwardly I project myself as confident, I have heard myself described as "a laugh" "funny" "life and soul" "straight talking" and various other things which make me sound confident, and a very kind of "My own person" kinda personality. However I only feel like this around certain people, most of the time I am extremely uncertain of myself and lacking in confidence. I feel like I'm useless, fat, lazy, clumsy, ugly and that people only spend time with me because they feel sorry for me. I mean who would want to be my real friend? When I contribute to conversations I immediately feel I've said something stupid, I replay it in my head to see how I could have worded it differently, who could have taken offence, was my tone okay, how did people react etc. In short, I'm very insecure and easily rattled. In part, this is due to growing up where my mum constantly pushed us to do better because she wanted better for us "Thats good you got 90%, and I'm proud of you but if you tried a wee bit harder you could get 95%" whereas Dad was more of a "See, you only got 90% because you're too stupid to get 100. And you're ugly. And horrible" (Do you know he used to set me riddles, and hit me if I got them right? Because I was too stupid to get the answer legitimately, and if I got them wrong to avoid a slap, then he told me that was all he expected, stupid me. So in the end up I would rather take a beating and appear knowledgeable that admit defeat)
How does this relate to weight loss?
I think I'm scared of being thin. I could cry right now. I think part of me uses my bulk as a defense, because people feel sorry for "fat" me, so therefor laugh at my unfunny jokes, stories and conversations. Maybe when I'm thin they'll just tell me to fuck off? Find some other friends?
I also use my bulk as a point of defiance I think. I might be fat, but I can work just as hard as a thin person, in fact doubly so. Fat people aren't lazy. I'm not lazy. So there. When I'm thin I'll just be the same. I won't have that push to compete against people.
Today I was told that my approach to certain people was "not confrontational, but.... direct". Now I don't get this. I readily admit that I can be confrontational when you push me, but, I make an extreme effort on placement to be non confrontational, to the extent on last placement I was told I was overly apologetic to the point of annoyance. So I don't get it. Result, now I'm doubting myself even more, and reworking almost every conversation I've had over the past 5 weeks.
Maybe my "directness" is now seen as that because I'm thinner? Maybe if I was still really fat they would feel that wee bit sorry for me and cut me some slack?
That aside, I'm actually quite nervous about getting to goal. I was looking forward to getting rid of all this weight and maintaining a healthy body. What now though, of people think I'm ugly? I won't have that "You'd be a nice looking lassie if you lost some weight or " "aye... but you've got a nice face" to provide a barrier now.
What if I don't like what I see? What if before I just didn't like what I saw because I was fat, but now I won't like what I see because I really am, as I was told growing up, so ugly no-one will ever love me? I am that total waste of space. I am not only ugly, I am a horrible person too.
Also the perfectionism from the whole "acheiving all you can" thing. If I fail outright then fine, I've not just acheived 90% or stuck at a size 14 because I'm not sure I can get to 10 stone and a size 10? Do you know what I mean?
This sounds much more self pitying that I ever intended, and for that I'm sorry. I'm just so confused and upset at the moment, I don't know what else to do. I don't even want to tell anyone in person in case they think I'm a moan and like me even less.
DAY 42
And that folks is the end of week 7!
How time flies eh? I must be repeating myself because I'm sure I've said that before.
Weight: 12st 1lbs
Going to try for a 12st mark for tomorrow as going to see my CDC, but this means that next week I will definately be in the 11's.
In other news, my period is now a week late. Not pregnant as been peeing on sticks for Britain, but think I must be carrying some water retention about. Also I was mega stressed yesterday and its all a very long story but I went to bed at 7pm.
Slept right through until my alarm went off this morning. I must have needed it.
How time flies eh? I must be repeating myself because I'm sure I've said that before.
Weight: 12st 1lbs
Going to try for a 12st mark for tomorrow as going to see my CDC, but this means that next week I will definately be in the 11's.
In other news, my period is now a week late. Not pregnant as been peeing on sticks for Britain, but think I must be carrying some water retention about. Also I was mega stressed yesterday and its all a very long story but I went to bed at 7pm.
Slept right through until my alarm went off this morning. I must have needed it.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Day 40
Today - well today was... interesting.
I finally bought a mirror, because standing in placement in my undies trying to catch a glimpse of myself in the changing room small mirror, wasn't going to end well. So splashed out £32 on a big stand up mirror.
Came home, had a bath (because I was freezing) and stood in front of it. Now whilst I didn't like what I see, I didn't hate it either. I look... normal(ish). I still have a wee belly but I have a definite hip shape as opposed to just lumpy saddlebags. I have abs. I shit you not. Not a six pack or anything but I can tell once I lose more weight I will have some definition there. My bum is smaller, noticeable and my thighs although still curved at the front and a bit heavy and shaping in.
My calves have a structure! Moving about I can see the bone running down the middle of the leg, previously they just looked kind of cleaved in two lengthways.
My shoulders are much slimmer and I can see shape of a rib cage. My skins not saggy which is good and my upper arms are shaping in nicely. I think I might still have a bit of bingo wingage at the end but I can live with that to be honest.
My face is changing shape too, I can see some cheekbone area emerging.
So I still have a way to go yet, but I'm not looking in the mirror today and thinking "Fat cow. Look at the state of you, you look like a sack of potatoes". Instead I was thinking, if I passed myself in the street I wouldn't look twice.
This is good.
I finally bought a mirror, because standing in placement in my undies trying to catch a glimpse of myself in the changing room small mirror, wasn't going to end well. So splashed out £32 on a big stand up mirror.
Came home, had a bath (because I was freezing) and stood in front of it. Now whilst I didn't like what I see, I didn't hate it either. I look... normal(ish). I still have a wee belly but I have a definite hip shape as opposed to just lumpy saddlebags. I have abs. I shit you not. Not a six pack or anything but I can tell once I lose more weight I will have some definition there. My bum is smaller, noticeable and my thighs although still curved at the front and a bit heavy and shaping in.
My calves have a structure! Moving about I can see the bone running down the middle of the leg, previously they just looked kind of cleaved in two lengthways.
My shoulders are much slimmer and I can see shape of a rib cage. My skins not saggy which is good and my upper arms are shaping in nicely. I think I might still have a bit of bingo wingage at the end but I can live with that to be honest.
My face is changing shape too, I can see some cheekbone area emerging.
So I still have a way to go yet, but I'm not looking in the mirror today and thinking "Fat cow. Look at the state of you, you look like a sack of potatoes". Instead I was thinking, if I passed myself in the street I wouldn't look twice.
This is good.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Day 39
righty - exam today. Don't think it went spectacularly well, but its done now.
Menu: 3 shakes
Drinks: 2.5 L of water, 1 of green tea and a coffee
Mood: Okay all things considered
Cheats: None
Exercise: I did about a hours worth of walking today to and from uni to placement.
Weight: 12st 3lbs bang on
Menu: 3 shakes
Drinks: 2.5 L of water, 1 of green tea and a coffee
Mood: Okay all things considered
Cheats: None
Exercise: I did about a hours worth of walking today to and from uni to placement.
Weight: 12st 3lbs bang on
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Day 37
How time flies.
Menu: 3 random shakes, porridge and tomato soup all finished. Gutted, really enjoying the tomato soup. which is strange because I hated it first time around
Drinks: Trying for 2.5L of water today, with say 1L of tea
Mood: Alright I suppose, getting a bit fed up.
Weight: 12st 3lbs
Cheats: None.
When I say i'm getting a bit fed up, its the stage I get to with any diet. I do really well for a long time and then think I deserve a break, and after that one meal/day off/weekend I'll get straight back on. Of course that rarely happens and the time between breaks agets shorter and shorter, so I really need to just get my head down and get on with it I suppose.
Not got long to Go. 1 stone and 3lbs until I reach a BMI of 25 and I HAVE to come off SS, so thats what 5-6 weeks? If I've come this far I can do another 5-6 weeks and thats it!
I was walking around Tesco yesterday and thier posh pickled onions were down to 50p. I was so tempted, but pickled onions aren't getting me to goal. CD is. So, on with it and Hopefully by the time I'm typing Day 70-Day 73 I'll be at BMI 25.
Menu: 3 random shakes, porridge and tomato soup all finished. Gutted, really enjoying the tomato soup. which is strange because I hated it first time around
Drinks: Trying for 2.5L of water today, with say 1L of tea
Mood: Alright I suppose, getting a bit fed up.
Weight: 12st 3lbs
Cheats: None.
When I say i'm getting a bit fed up, its the stage I get to with any diet. I do really well for a long time and then think I deserve a break, and after that one meal/day off/weekend I'll get straight back on. Of course that rarely happens and the time between breaks agets shorter and shorter, so I really need to just get my head down and get on with it I suppose.
Not got long to Go. 1 stone and 3lbs until I reach a BMI of 25 and I HAVE to come off SS, so thats what 5-6 weeks? If I've come this far I can do another 5-6 weeks and thats it!
I was walking around Tesco yesterday and thier posh pickled onions were down to 50p. I was so tempted, but pickled onions aren't getting me to goal. CD is. So, on with it and Hopefully by the time I'm typing Day 70-Day 73 I'll be at BMI 25.
Friday, 8 May 2009
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Day 34
Not much to report really.
Weight moving slowly but this is as expected, due to binge on Sunday night. All own fault, no excuses and will take punishment like a pro.
Weight this morning 12st 5lbs.
Although its "only" a pound, I'm still moving down the way so I am actually quite pleased. I've got rid of
10lbs
1.5 lbs
5.5 lbs
4.75 lbs
1 lbs (so far)
Over 5 weeks I think thats amazing. I'm rathet pleased.
Keep on rockin' guys - see you over the weekend hopefully.
Weight moving slowly but this is as expected, due to binge on Sunday night. All own fault, no excuses and will take punishment like a pro.
Weight this morning 12st 5lbs.
Although its "only" a pound, I'm still moving down the way so I am actually quite pleased. I've got rid of
10lbs
1.5 lbs
5.5 lbs
4.75 lbs
1 lbs (so far)
Over 5 weeks I think thats amazing. I'm rathet pleased.
Keep on rockin' guys - see you over the weekend hopefully.
Saturday, 2 May 2009
Day 29
Just a quickie folks. Off to meet counsellor today for another weeks supply, as can't make next Saturday due to placement shift. Husband might be starting this diet too! Have to pick up a few shakes for him to try whilst I am at CDCs and let him taste them first.
Menu: Choc tetra, Peanut bar and a shake
Drinks: Coffee whilst out today, aiming for 3L of water
Mood: Determined and calm. Quite relaxed actually
Cheats: None - Not cheated in a such a long time, and its now easier to not think about it than it was.
Weight: 12 st 6
Go me. Well pleased with self.
Menu: Choc tetra, Peanut bar and a shake
Drinks: Coffee whilst out today, aiming for 3L of water
Mood: Determined and calm. Quite relaxed actually
Cheats: None - Not cheated in a such a long time, and its now easier to not think about it than it was.
Weight: 12 st 6
Go me. Well pleased with self.
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