Had it, Lost it♠

Really struggled the past few days. The diet itself isn't the problem, its my head. I have lost my motivation. Turns out that working on building my confidence and getting rid of my fat head is a double edged sword. It would appear I needed that to drive me on.

I have stalled on my diet progress. The weights stalled because my head has stalled. I don't feel the same need to keep running from teh 15st 6 person I used to be, because now I don't see that when I look in the mirror. I see someone who need to perhaps lose a few pounds but not someone I would call obese. I'm starting to like myself and as a result that focus to really effect change has gone.

And I can't seem to get it back.

I don't want to stop here, but I'm creating humps for myself. I'm creating problems where there aren't any. I'm picking and bingeing and promising new starts the next day, and not happening. Why?

Am thinking of setting very small weight targets, say 4lbs at a time. Thats the only way I'm going to be able to do this.

I'm dreading placement, dreading it, because I can't make my Quorn lunches as a stir fry. I don't want a cottage cheese everyday for 5 weeks placement, and I know I'll get grief over a shake for lunch. Problem is when I was heavier that was okay because I could justify it by saying "look at me" I have so much to lose. Now though, I can't use that because I don't really beleive it myself and know I'll allow myself to talk myself off the plan.

I want my motivation back.

I'm also pissed off at my body too, so think I'm eating out of anger. Like self harming with food.

I look at the boards and I see people who are either the same height as me, and weigh more but in a smaller size and I think "how?!?", I see people who weigh slightly less than me but are half a foot shorter and 2 dress sizes smaller. And I just sit and think whats the point? I mean I can diet until the cows come home, but I'm never going to be a size 12/10 (and I'm most certainly not if I keep arsing about like this) but I just don't get it. I've even tried looking at it in terms of BMI as that should be an evener, but no. I'm still way out of where other people say they are.

I'm sorry if this makes me sound like a bitch, but I just can't see where I'm going wrong.

Maybe I just can't do this anymore. Maybe I should just give up. I don't want to give up, but the not wanting to continue either seems to be winning a bit more.

Despondent here man, fuckin' depondent.