Moan

During placement today I had an epiphany moment, I think I've realised in part why I sabotage myself. Its a confidence thing, in many respects.

Outwardly I project myself as confident, I have heard myself described as "a laugh" "funny" "life and soul" "straight talking" and various other things which make me sound confident, and a very kind of "My own person" kinda personality. However I only feel like this around certain people, most of the time I am extremely uncertain of myself and lacking in confidence. I feel like I'm useless, fat, lazy, clumsy, ugly and that people only spend time with me because they feel sorry for me. I mean who would want to be my real friend? When I contribute to conversations I immediately feel I've said something stupid, I replay it in my head to see how I could have worded it differently, who could have taken offence, was my tone okay, how did people react etc. In short, I'm very insecure and easily rattled. In part, this is due to growing up where my mum constantly pushed us to do better because she wanted better for us "Thats good you got 90%, and I'm proud of you but if you tried a wee bit harder you could get 95%" whereas Dad was more of a "See, you only got 90% because you're too stupid to get 100. And you're ugly. And horrible" (Do you know he used to set me riddles, and hit me if I got them right? Because I was too stupid to get the answer legitimately, and if I got them wrong to avoid a slap, then he told me that was all he expected, stupid me. So in the end up I would rather take a beating and appear knowledgeable that admit defeat)

How does this relate to weight loss?

I think I'm scared of being thin. I could cry right now. I think part of me uses my bulk as a defense, because people feel sorry for "fat" me, so therefor laugh at my unfunny jokes, stories and conversations. Maybe when I'm thin they'll just tell me to fuck off? Find some other friends?

I also use my bulk as a point of defiance I think. I might be fat, but I can work just as hard as a thin person, in fact doubly so. Fat people aren't lazy. I'm not lazy. So there. When I'm thin I'll just be the same. I won't have that push to compete against people.

Today I was told that my approach to certain people was "not confrontational, but.... direct". Now I don't get this. I readily admit that I can be confrontational when you push me, but, I make an extreme effort on placement to be non confrontational, to the extent on last placement I was told I was overly apologetic to the point of annoyance. So I don't get it. Result, now I'm doubting myself even more, and reworking almost every conversation I've had over the past 5 weeks.

Maybe my "directness" is now seen as that because I'm thinner? Maybe if I was still really fat they would feel that wee bit sorry for me and cut me some slack?

That aside, I'm actually quite nervous about getting to goal. I was looking forward to getting rid of all this weight and maintaining a healthy body. What now though, of people think I'm ugly? I won't have that "You'd be a nice looking lassie if you lost some weight or " "aye... but you've got a nice face" to provide a barrier now.

What if I don't like what I see? What if before I just didn't like what I saw because I was fat, but now I won't like what I see because I really am, as I was told growing up, so ugly no-one will ever love me? I am that total waste of space. I am not only ugly, I am a horrible person too.

Also the perfectionism from the whole "acheiving all you can" thing. If I fail outright then fine, I've not just acheived 90% or stuck at a size 14 because I'm not sure I can get to 10 stone and a size 10? Do you know what I mean?

This sounds much more self pitying that I ever intended, and for that I'm sorry. I'm just so confused and upset at the moment, I don't know what else to do. I don't even want to tell anyone in person in case they think I'm a moan and like me even less.